tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
