I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
