Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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