My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
