dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
