Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Randomize
