Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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