In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize