I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
