whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
