Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
