He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just want to make out with him forever
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Never joke about your clitoris.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
