mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
