Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"