You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
