Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.