I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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