omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Randomize
