the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I want her autograph on my taint
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
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