Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
