I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
