I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
If I had your ass I would rule the world
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