Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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