Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
