How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I have fence marks all over my body
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
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