why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
