I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
