I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You are a genius and a whore.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
