I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
