Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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