i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
