That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
