I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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