I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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