ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
