Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
