Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
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To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
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I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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