I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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