worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
why is half of my head shaved?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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