my phone needs a breathalizer
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
You are a genius and a whore.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
