the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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