Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
