Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
