Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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