Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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