So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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