I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
