I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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