What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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