Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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