I wannas sexs uuuuu
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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