I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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