I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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