I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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