yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Randomize
