So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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